I haven't posted a journal entry in a long time, and I have a lot to say.
2014 has been a hard year to weather as I go through my early 20's. I feel more sadness than I've ever felt in all my previous years, even when I was depressed and anxious. I've started and prematurely ended a lot of projects and games that I thought would be the best thing in the world. I've made and lost a lot of friends in the process and I'm starting to feel a sense of grief over my sense of chronic underachievement and failure.
I'm really starting to doubt my own judgement. I've made a lot of mistakes and I'm not through making them yet. I've studied self-improvement for 4 years now to find out how to put what I've learned in life to good use, but now I'm finding it hard to use it as more than an escapism from the reality that I'm lost in life and disillusioned with the things I used to enjoy doing.
I've tried so hard to keep myself from falling into total despair, but every night, I feel like I've hit rock bottom. I've often cried during the night because I feel like I have no chance of becoming somebody.
Overall, I feel like I'm wasting my youth as the years ago by. I recently retired from my short career in sound design because I was not getting the pleasure and satisfaction I originally sought when I got into it.
The only skill I still have that I can use to make something worth it's value is writing, everything else is at a beginner level.
My entire world is collapsing on me and I'm out of answers, out of ideas, and as far as my reality is concerned, out of luck.
If there's one thing I've learned in these 4 harsh years, it is this:
"He who relies on luck, seldom has any."
Listening to: Serenity - an old midi song